When I work with clients or teach classes and workshops, I often bring to light in some way that each of us has an inner knowing, a sense of what we need, want, what is best for us, what words to say or choice to make or not make. This can be named in a variety of ways. The Internal Family Systems world would refer to this as Self. In a more generalized version I often use the term Intuition as an overarching way for most people to understand. There is an innate wisdom and clearer perspective that resides within each and every one of us. I share this with almost every piece of work I do because of its vital significance to our well-being. That being a critical component and pillar of helping others to overcome, strive and thrive, it seems to me to be required learning in the process of feeling better and living our best lives.
One of the questions I am asked most frequently is, “How do I tell the difference between my anxiety and my intuition?” Once there is a level of understanding around the concept of intuition, people tend to realize there are multiple voices inside vying for attention. I have found some simple and helpful ways to answer this question in order to offer easy tell-tale signs about which voice we may be giving more airtime to or not.
I thought this would be beneficial to write about with the intention of increasing that level of awareness and understanding for others, also because I clearly still need the reminder myself. I recently had a situation that reminded me just how much we all need the reminders sometimes (which I will share in a moment), as well as normalizing how complicated this can be at times.
Every human is engaging in a mass amount of activities simultaneously at every moment. We are breathing, digesting, breaking down nutrients, moving blood to circulate the entire body, firing neurons, thinking thoughts, saying words, moving body parts, just to name a few. While most of these functions are taking place with no actual thought or knowledge or purposeful action, they are occurring in our bodies nonetheless and therefore utilizing fractions of our energy and resources. We may be able to do all of this without really trying or putting in “effort” as we traditionally think of it, but some amount of exertion is taking place. In a society that has such an incredibly inflated perspective around doing I like to bring this to light because we often do not consider the sheer miracle of living and simply being every day.
We can then take into consideration the more apparent pulls on our energy levels and stability in a given moment. We have sleep levels, food intake, physical activity, health issues, family members, work demands, financial stress, cleaning, cooking, electronic devices and the list goes on. We are externally pulled and called on each and every day to employ our resources to get through each day. We give, offer and share with so much of the world around us that we often feel compromised, low-energy and/or mentally foggy. We may not be living every day in this state, but any one of us can certainly find ourselves here at one point or another.
There are two primary results from this scenario that impact our ability to distinguish between anxiety and intuition. (Side note- I am using the term anxiety as an umbrella for all things stress related: worries, fears, anticipations, over-planning, over-analyzing, over-thinking, etc.)
The first product of the compromised state is that the stress response has kicked in. We are now physiologically hijacked in a variety of ways. Our brain functioning is now shifted in order to escape danger instead of any form of intellectual reasoning, critical thinking, processing, interpreting, memory retention or recall. Any grandiose ideas of decision making or accurately assessing a situation are out the window. We are thrust into Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn mode to some degree and inner workings are different. Once we become emotionally heightened or overwhelmed, the Cortisol has elevated and away we go.
The second consideration of swimming in the stressed state is that anxiety is high. When anxiety comes up, it is LOUD. It becomes almost impossible to hear anything else, including sound from outside our own mind. Anxiety demands to be heard regardless of the increased difficulty hearing anything else that gets louder. When people are not feeling heard, upset and frustration come on the scene and generally tend to increase the volume. They do not really understand that louder does not generate listening. In fact, quite the opposite tends to happen. In the same way, our thoughts become more challenging to hear, understand and discern the noisier they become. It is nearly, if not completely, impossible to engage in clear determination of any thought at this point in time.
This leads to the answer I offer when asked about how to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition. Anxious thoughts are intense, loud, impulsive and unrelenting. They want you to take immediate action and not think about a decision or action step thoughtfully. They will come in hot and fierce matching the degree of fear or worry that has been activated. That does not mean it matches the situation per se. It is the internal perspective and interpretation of the situation that these parts of you are reacting to. This tends to create some confusion and where many are left wondering if this is their intuition warning them of danger or anxious thinking on a runaway train.
Intuition will never sound or, more importantly, feel that way. Intuition is quiet, sure and calm. Inner guidance always knows the best for you and the moment. It is not impulsive or urging an imminent decision. If we are in a calm(ish) state, there is generally no question about what the message is about. It is clear and confident. This can be easier to notice and become familiar with in lower stakes situations: what to order for lunch, which way to drive to a destination, choosing an outfit for the day. It is when our internal anxiety meter rises and we are more emotionally tied to the circumstance that the ringing in our ears can drown out the softer inner voice. It does not ever cease to exist, the anxiety takeover redirects our attention. Once the thermostat lowers, we will regain clarity and access to this core resource innate in every one of us.
If the answer is not clear, no decision is the right decision. Waiting until we are more sure can be a valuable teaching of this intuitive nature within. We are so accustomed and conditioned (hence what the anxious parts bring) to “doing” things all of the time. Sitting back and allowing the forces of nature to guide is often the best choice we can possibly make. Anxiety will encourage being in charge or control of everything and everyone. Not only is this an energy drain, it is also actually impossible. It is an exercise in futility because it does not truly exist. We can believe that it is, our anxious parts will convince us of that and find all the proof needed to support that belief. Believing something does not make it true. Intuition will never steer you wrong, not ever. Whether we understand at the time or not, it is just never wrong. We simply need to be practiced and sure of what voice(s) we are listening to first. And taking no action is most often the best answer.
I have experienced several moments of not listening to my inner guidance and realizing sometime after the fact what would have been more beneficial in those moments. This has led me to developing a much deeper recognition, understanding and relationship with my intuition. I have been able to follow the messages without hesitation and also without knowing exactly why or what I was doing. I trusted implicitly after some trial and error.
I was reminded last week that this is not fool proof. It is a relationship and so requires love, care and attention regularly. This maintains our connection and can bring us back into line with it faster should we find ourselves off-course. We must also remember that we are all human and can find ourselves compromised at any given moment, regardless of how much “work” we have done. This is not about achieving some false sense of perfection or even completion. This is about evolving to the degree that we can always find understanding and compassion for our human experience and simply take care of it as needed.
As challenging as this is to acknowledge to myself and share here now, I found myself well down the road of being actively scammed. I can feel smidges of the self-judgment wanting to creep in even just writing these words. The fact is, it happened and now that I have had some time and distance from that day I believe I can help others by sharing some key components of the story.
I received a call some weeks ago that the caller ID indicated was from my bank. No shady “Unknown Caller” or “Private” listed on the screen. After a very basic greeting and verification of who I was and who they were, I was quickly informed that there were transactions attempting to be completed and flagged as fraudulent. The person was keeping me on the line while they “resolved” the issue and completed cancellation of these transactions. The call went on for some time, clearly attempting to get as much information as they could. There was a great deal of back and forth about the transactions, the person calling had the entire credit card number for the account (I had not even used this card anywhere yet as it was new). At one point, I did say to the person that they were asking a lot of information and I was not even sure they were who they said they were.
Eventually, I could feel myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Once the initial shock and fear levels had come down, I noticed the other sense activated in my body. The one that says, “something is not right here,” even if my head has not quite caught up yet. I realized enough to have my husband call the bank on his phone and verify the situation. This, of course, revealed that this was not a legitimate phone call and they were able to immediately freeze the card and any transactions on my account. This was just in time before they could steal funds and leave me with a big mess of a situation to resolve.
I could easily (and did for a little while) beat myself up for initially falling for such a common scam. What I could really get access to in those moments and hours after, was not so much the “self-protection” of chastising myself, it was the deeper sense of shame that was present. Here is not only a shameless plug for working with the various parts of you and developing healthy internal relationship dynamics, it is also a real-life account of how this works and how it really does change patterns.
There was a time where something like this could have taken me out for weeks, maybe even months. I would feel the burning of shame in my gut (that’s were mine generally takes up physical space) and I would be inundated with the relentless criticism and judgement of doing something so “stupid.” My parts heavily utilized that word. This loud critical voice would have drowned out and overshadowed the inner shame activation preventing me from being able to do anything about it. I would have continued to be effected by both of them intensely without having the controls to redirect anywhere else.
I am going to be honest, it took about 2-3 days to really come down from the more intense feelings. What was different in this situation was that I knew exactly what was happening in real time and I could caretake for all of it while it was present. This allows for retaining the driver’s seat and some ability, even minimally, to acknowledge the situation and gently work toward relief in my system. This happened in multiple ways. I could sense the deeper, more vulnerable feeling of shame and so I knew that one needed to be made safe by me and also care for once that safety was established. Keeping that one safe meant instilling a more loving and understanding environment around it. I was able to zoom out a bit (since I had retained the controls) even in the midst of the emotions. The wider perspective allowed me to bring in the context. In all fairness, none of us deserve to be perceived in an isolated view of anything.
What I could see from this better vantage point was that I was physically sick that day. It is easy for me to fall into old patterns when I am not feeling well, tired, or compromised in some way. It is also easier for me to get overstimulated with external noises and activity. In addition to feeling yuck, my whole family was home, the television was on in the background, I was trying to get some things done on the computer and two kiddos were floating around. I was internally fighting something off, externally surrounded and surely at my tipping point of too much. It’s like the scammer had some sort of twisted ESP to be calling at that exact time!
In the zoomed out view, I can see how the state I was in may have even magnetized (unintentionally of course) this scenario right to my doorstep. In my even better hindsight view, I can clearly perceive the important lessons I received as a result and thankfully I caught on to before any damage was done. I got access to something that very visibly needed my attention internally and I did not realized could still be activated to such an intense degree. There is a small child hanging out in there and utterly terrified of doing the wrong thing. What a revelation and opportunity for finding her, caring for her and rescuing her from even having to worry about such things. She was not able to clearly interpret an adult situation that did not match such an incredibly strong emotional reaction. From her perspective and the physical feeling present, this felt like an earth-shattering experience.
I propose, in the interest of simplifying all of this, using a 2-Step Verification Process in order to sort all of what is going on internally.
1. Become aware of who is showing up to the party. This will help to clear the louder voices bringing in anything that is undesirable- self-blaming, name-calling, criticism, judgement, shaming, etc. It simply requires acknowledging, naming and bringing conscious awareness to the protective mechanisms that have been triggered. That can sometimes be enough to decrease the volume. If needed, we can also request the volume be lowered, ask them to give some space or address any concerns/fears they may have.
2. Once there is more space and more quiet, begin tuning into what else is activated that may have been drowned out. We will likely find a more vulnerable and fragile feeling that is holding the hurt in some way. What this also provides is an opportunity for Self/Intuition to come forward and bring comfort and care to the fragile part. If we clear the path by moving out the protective forces, this is generally naturally occurring as long as we provide the conditions needed. We will be able to assess and “hear” what is taking place so much more clearly at this point, which allows for the possibility of healing in whatever ways are needed.
Here are some summarizations to consider when realizing the parts that are residing within you and activated at any given moment:
· What they are sharing with you is vitally important to acknowledge, this does not make it the truth. They need to be heard and feelings understood. They should not feel forced to drive or take over. The grown up, aka You/Self, can show up to withhold the keys while offering unconditional love and support.
· We can ALL fall prey to something before realizing what is happening. It could be a scam, a person, a situation, a reaction or an old pattern we no longer want in our lives. It can and likely will happen. To everyone at some point. We can be Perfect and Human at the same time!
· What we do with the information from the situation is the most important factor. It is not that these things take place or even what we did in the reactive moment that matters. It is HOW we deal with it that carries the importance. We are learning, always. We can be learning the immense depth and quality of our internal landscape in the only way that brings meaningful consistent change. If we learn from something and deeply connect to what occurred, we have healed far more than we realize. Not only for ourselves, but past and future generations, everyone around us and the world at large.
· It is essential that the approach to working through things in a new way is embedded in gentleness, compassion and openness. At the very least, neutrality works just fine as well. This is not always easy, but it is necessary if we a seeking to evoke a new pattern or new experience.
· Just like every secure website that we are now involved with, consider a 2-step verification process to hear the inner voice more clearly.
I hope anyone taking the time to read this finds it helpful, inspiring or informative. I am well aware of the challenges involved in life situations and intend to help others in any way I can. It may not feel easy, but it can feel incredibly good beyond your imagination. I also want to remind everyone: No one need to any of this alone!! We are meant to help one another, by being present, compassionate or in any way our intuition is calling.
Should doing more with this work be of interest, please reach out for offerings, guidance or resources of any kind.
Love and light to all,
Melissa
