I am very grateful to witness the journeys of others and this closeness affords me a particular vantage point. That, along with my ability to spot patterns and connections in the world, will often highlight particular themes that are going on around us. This has been occurring for as long as I can remember and this past month has been no exception.
When I sit and reflect on what has been coming up most often over the past few weeks, I have noticed a particular similarity across the spectrum of people I have connected with. What I have observed is a period of struggle and overwhelm around how to keep going. This goes deeper than how to keep trudging through the difficulties and challenges, although that is something people have certainly expressed. I make it a point to zoom out a bit and help others to do the same to realize the bigger picture at play here.
The feeling of not being able to survive another day like “this” appears to be in many minds at the moment. It is the most reasonable sentiment given the circumstances that I know so many are sitting in. It is crucial to entertain the idea, however that this is not orginating from our external life situation, but rather our internal reactions to it. This can be challenging to accept or see at first. If we incorporate that zoomed out view, what we can find is a set of pieces that help to clarify this puzzle and are not visible from the close distance of distress.
So, do this with me now: take a beat, take 1-3 really nice deep breaths and say, “At this very moment I can breathe, I am okay and pausing to assess my situation will only benefit me.” This may still cause some trepidation or resistance. Do it anyway. It’s 60 seconds and remind yourself that it is brief in order to lessen the overwhelm and threatening feelings that may stir up.
Once those few breaths are completed imagine that you are zooming out the camera view of your current life situation. I will help to add some details that may still be fuzzy just yet. There is an entire system within each and every one of us, several systems, in fact. They are working very hard in your best interest to protect you in some way. Taking a moment to assess if the way these operations are functioning is truly beneficial is crucial to a well-working organization. They may actually, in the name of protecting you, be doing something unhelpful, maladaptive or even destructive.
Consider your physiology and the systems at work in our bodies. Ideally they are also working toward our optimal functioning, however we all know that this is not always the case. Sometimes there needs to be some tweaking, intervention, shifting in order to get them back on course in the way you most need them to be. Our emotional and survival mechanisms operate in the exact same way. As we move through life and situations, we will discover that something internally may not be where you want or need it to be focused. And so, we do some adjusting, tweaking, intervening in ways that will course correct in line with the bigger picture goals in mind. We can apply that same approach to the thoughts, feelings and choices we are engaged with once we have a clearer picture of the landscape.
The internal world can be fairly elusive to us. It is not visible in the ways we are accustomed to and can, therefore, feel abstract and convoluted. In the fog and haze of this and our constant attempts at explaining everything, we tend to fall back on the system itself that is not properly functioning to come up with the answer. This, in turn, leads us back into the fray and using other, maladaptive methods to resolve our distress. This is the intersection point of finding a new direction while still swimming in the muck. Not easy, so worth it and not as difficult or impossible as we may believe.
A deeper dive into what is actually taking place during this crisis of, “How can I possibly keep going?” will reveal the tools and resources we all need to weather any storm, situation, moment or stuck-ness.
We hear the voices, the thoughts that want to deter us, belittle us or steer us away from the change we are working toward. We feel the distressed feelings in our bodies and our hearts and they feel heavy, too much to sit with and bear, they can be paralyzing. They will contradict one another, seemingly in discord with our goals. It can be loud, intrusive and overbearing. This is our pivotal moment to move in a new way that is different from all the things we have done before. Mostly, it matters that we perceive and interpret these internal voices in a new way. There is a significant difference and shift when we can understand more about them, why they are there and what they are actually trying to accomplish.
Since these inner interactions are not only confusing and convoluted, they are most often misunderstood, so we go along with it instead of realizing there is an alternate route. With that in mind, I will offer some context to help organize the internal landscape in a new framework.
The most simple explanation is that these thoughts are not you and you are not them. They appear in the form of overwhelm, discouragement, self-deprecation, fear, criticism, judgment, guilt and shame. They express those sentiments repeatedly, particularly when we are engaging in something new, different or challenging. They tell us everything that will go wrong, everything we will do wrong, what everyone else will be wrong about, how it will never work anyway so why even bother.
No wonder we get overwhelmed and cannot fathom how to keep going with all of that noise. Who would ever be able to see clearly or make decisions sitting in all of that? Who would want to when it comes down to it?
This is where the shift happens, first with perspective and then with approach. Understanding that what feels like torture, suffering and impossible to tolerate is the whole system inside of us feeling imbalanced, unsafe, unloved, unlovable, confused, afraid and unworthy changes everything. There are a collection of inner children trying in all kinds of ways to be seen, heard and understood. They are sounding the alarm bell, trying to hide and trying to be known all at the same time. What typically feels like our own voice beating ourselves up, discouraging any movement or changes, screaming “I can’t do this!” are truly cries for help from the inside. If we can zoom out, separate ourselves from the whirlwind of it all and consider that these are feelings you have and experience, not the bigger YOU, we can then approach what we do with those feelings from a very different place.
Here is an example to highlight the point: my child comes into the room crying and wailing about a bug in the house and expressing fear about this. It may not be the most convenient time to be dealing with this, I may be on an important call or cooking on the stove. I have choices at this point. I can get upset and bothered by my child coming in at an inopportune moment and give off the energy of being upset to her. This would surely result in her getting more upset, not feeling safe, protected, loved, heard, etc. The reaction would escalate into something much bigger along with the worse impact of her sitting with all of those yucky feelings.
On the other hand, I can recognize that it was not her job to worry about the timing of her own feelings, nor is that even fair or realistic. The feelings and situations happen when they do. If I can stand outside of my activity and even my child’s fear for a moment, a new option appears. I can attend to her needs. Without judgement, frustration or even mild annoyance. I can know that the bug is not going to be a threat to anyone and I can calmy support her and diffuse the situation as a safe and trusted adult who knows how to handle things. My child will not know that until she experiences me doing that over and over again in various situations when called for. In the same way, our parts having reactions do not know that until we show up over and over again to bring ourselves comfort, reassurance and mostly presence.
If my child knows she is not alone in that situation she will feel better. Your parts will too. In that scenario, the situation ends in a very brief time, my child feels relieved and much better, I can carry on with my activities knowing I cared for my kid in a healthy way and everyone wins.
The most important part of this from an internal perspective is that once that fog and noise clears, possibilities present themselves. We cannot see them with all of that clouding the lens. Once we take care of whatever parts are asking of us, the overwhelm meter tends to come down and options then become visible. We have to bring that meter down first. Before trying to solve, make decisions, analyze, figure out, overthink, all from a place of dysregulation, we can start by just calming the system, calming the inner child, and then all of those exhausting actions render themselves unnecessary. We have all of our internal resources of strength, courage, creativity, calm, understanding, compassion and more all back online. These innate internal traits are all that we need to navigate daily life and the world. Our inner children won’t know that until we show them, care for them and adjust the controls repeatedly. This reassures your system that you are in charge, willing to be in charge and are capable of tackling all the grown up stuff.
These shifts in how we see the situation and then how we manage it may take some time and getting used to. For most of us it is quite a change and so be gentle and kind with yourself while you are moving through this new adventure. The previous approach is wired in because that is what has been on repeat for so long. It will take practice and awareness to make a new automation. Stick with it and relief will come soon knowing that things are moving in the direction you would like them to. They do not have to be perfect or completed to feel better. In fact, there is no such thing as perfect or completed. We are simply moving in a way that feels better and that is all that matters.
